It’s as predictable as the ball dropping over Time Square: make a resolution to address the current problem area in our lives. Lose weight. Stop smoking. Shop less. We all view the new year as an opportunity to reinvent the less desirable aspects of ourselves.
Unfortunately, for most people, making a resolution is the easy part. Who hasn’t made a resolution, stuck to it for a couple of days or weeks, only to see our commitment erode as the holidays become a memory? Within weeks or months, we’ve returned to where we were before we made our resolution while beating ourselves up a little. Our solution? Make the same resolution 12 months later!
This year, consider trying something different. I want you to try to accept where you are and who you are at this time in your life, before you consider making a change. While I am a fan of people making positive changes in their lives, we usually approach change in a negative way. We only focus on our problems and try to rid ourselves of this “flaw.”
Let’s use weight as an example because it is one of the most common New Year’s resolutions. You may say to yourself, “I hate the way I look and want to lose 20 pounds.” Then, you spend January in a state of semi-starvation, only to lose one pound. In your frustration, you “treat” yourself to a chocolate binge and subsequently find yourself thinking, “This is hopeless, I will never lose weight, why do I bother?”
Instead of focusing on the negative, what would happen if you tried being kind when you think about yourself? “I am a good person who takes care of my children, is kind to friends and family and works hard at my job.” This statement provides a more complete view of you, instead of reducing you to a number on a scale. This statement allows you to value yourself for who you are as a person, not as a series of achievements or as a size 6. It is only when you value yourself that you can actually take care of yourself.
Self-care is about taking care of yourself physically and emotionally because you are valuable just for being you. Taking care of yourself physically is about getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising and regular check-ups as a way to maintain your health. Taking care of yourself emotionally is about knowing what you need to recharge your battery; social relationships, downtime, and hobbies are all examples of creating balance in our lives to stay emotionally healthy.
So, let’s go back to our weight loss example. If you see yourself as fat and that losing weight is the only way for you to be valued, loved, and respected, then you are setting yourself up for a miserable cycle of self-punishment. However, if you see yourself as a valuable person worthy of being cared for by yourself and others, then your choices will flow from that place of acceptance.
When we fully understand who we are and why we are in a certain place, we are able to make better choices. Again, the example, “I am craving doughnuts, but I am not really hungry, I am frustrated with my boss. Eating a box of doughnuts will not relieve my frustration. Maybe venting to my best friend or going for a jog will change my mood.” This is an empowered stance that allows you to figure out what you really need, not what might mask your feelings. It allows you to address the root of the cause and engage in self- care at the same time. Sometimes you still might need a doughnut!
When we fully understand who we are and why we are in a certain place, we are able to make better choices. Again, the example, “I am craving doughnuts, but I am not really hungry, I am frustrated with my boss. Eating a box of doughnuts will not relieve my frustration. Maybe venting to my best friend or going for a jog will change my mood.” This is an empowered stance that allows you to figure out what you really need, not what might mask your feelings. It allows you to address the root of the cause and engage in self- care at the same time. Sometimes you still might need a doughnut!
When you are gentle with yourself around what you see as “flaws”, you can better understand the role of that “flaw”. “Wow, I eat to soothe myself. I need to find a new way to soothe myself, because I am worthy of caring for myself and this way isn’t actually working for me.” Be your best self now by accepting and caring for yourself instead of punishing yourself!
