Unlike their younger siblings, preteens have a much greater understanding of the concept of divorce and they are more likely to have peers with divorced parents. However, just because they understand it better, doesn’t mean they accept it.
Children in this age group have rigid moral views (as you know if you have ever played a board game with a 10-year old). They have unique social concerns and worldviews that need to be taken into consideration when helping them cope with the family changes that accompany divorce.
Emerging social concerns
Preteens are called “tweens” because they are in-between being child and a teenager and this is very apparent socially. While they are still very dependent on their parents and not as reliant on their peer group as teenagers, they are increasingly concerned with what their friends think of them. This growing awareness of social interactions often leads preteens to be embarrassed by their parents’ divorce.
How you can help:
- Normalize feelings for yourself and your preteen. Instead of being defensive about their embarrassment, use this as an opening for a conversation about their feelings and what they are worried about with the divorce.
- Explore how they want to share the news of the divorce with their friends and respect that. Some preteens may want to tell their closest friends themselves and just want your support with that conversation. Other preteens may want you to tell their friend’s parents first, so they don’t have to start the conversation. This is an excellent opportunity for you to show your support to your child.
Rigid moral view
Preteens tend to be very black and white in their perceptions of the world and this is age-appropriate. They are likely to have sensed that there were problems in the marriage, but not have a full understanding of adult relationships and issues. This can lead them to blame one parent instead of recognizing the complexity of the situation. They will be focused on finding the “truth’.
How you can help:
- Answer their questions honestly. Don’t lie or mislead your child. However, this does not mean they need all the details! Do not discuss adult issues, such as infidelity, with your child. Instead, you can say, “It is not something you caused. It is an adult issue and we can no longer get along.”
- Don’t put them in the middle or have them choose sides. Children do best when they have loving relationships with both parents, so do not try to win their affection by being lax with discipline or buying lavish gifts. Also, do not confide adult concerns – seek out your own friends or professional support.
Increased risky behavior
Preteens will often react with either anger or by withdrawing. They need increased monitoring to make sure they do not turn to risky behavior (substances, eating issues, sexual activity, cutting, etc.) to cope.
How you can help:
- Give them time and space to talk. Validate their feelings (e.g. “I can understand why you would feel angry.”) instead of trying to change or minimize their feelings.
- Continue with established routines. Maintaining a consistent schedule for how their days are structured and their extra-curricular activities will give them the sense of security they need to feel they will be cared for during the divorce.
- Monitor their behaviors and activities. Pay attention to increased isolation, change in friendships, and change in grades. Utilize the school counselor or a therapist outside the school to help you evaluate the seriousness of the changes if you are worried. The earlier you get support for your preteen, the easier it will be for you to manage.
With preteens, you have an opportunity to model healthy coping while you help them cope. If you spend all your time criticizing your ex, it will be hard to help your child cope flexibly. However, if you model self-care and seeking out support, your child will learn from your coping with change.
