Handling Intrusive Questions About Your Divorce

When you are going through a divorce, all kinds of people will ask all kinds of intrusive questions. Sometimes, it is well-intentioned, but other times it will feel voyeuristic and mean-spirited. How should you respond? Here are some tips to consider:

• Be prepared. You don’t want to be blindsided, so have a few scripted responses at the ready. “This is a challenging time and I am asking everyone to respect our privacy” or “I’m hanging in there, thanks for asking.” Follow your response by asking an unrelated question and changing the subject. 
• Take the high road. It can be tempting to respond to questions by bashing your ex. Especially if you have kids involved, this is a bad idea in the long run. This information will spread like wildfire and there is no guarantee it won’t get back to your ex or your children in some way.  It is also hard to move forward in a constructive way if you are putting a lot of energy into blaming  your ex. 
• If someone wants to pour fuel on the fire, redirect the conversation. You will hear many versions of “When I got divorced, I took him to the cleaners” or “My neighbor’s lawyer is a shark – do you want the number?” Take this opportunity to let people know that you are trying to keep the divorce civil and private. “Actually, we’ve decided to use Collaborative Divorce/mediation because we want to minimize the impact of our divorce on the kids” or “This isn’t helpful to me. I’m trying to heal and move forward and I don’t want to go down that path.”
• Be proactive. While you can’t completely prevent these questions from coming your way, you can let people know ahead of time that you would like some privacy. “Beth and I are getting divorced. I am hoping you will respect our privacy during this time.” This can help friends and family know your preference. Then, if you want to talk about the divorce in order to feel supported, it can be on your terms.

You may not be able to stop intrusive questions from coming your way, but being thoughtful ahead of time about your responses can help to minimize the awkwardness of the interactions. Hopefully, most people will respect your limits and provide support that feels empathetic, not judgmental. 

When you are going through a divorce, all kinds of people will ask all kinds of intrusive questions. Sometimes, it is well-intentioned, but other times it will feel voyeuristic and mean-spirited. How should you respond? Here are some tips to consider:

• Be prepared. You don’t want to be blindsided, so have a few scripted responses at the ready. “This is a challenging time and I am asking everyone to respect our privacy” or “I’m hanging in there, thanks for asking.” Follow your response by asking an unrelated question and changing the subject. 
• Take the high road. It can be tempting to respond to questions by bashing your ex. Especially if you have kids involved, this is a bad idea in the long run. This information will spread like wildfire and there is no guarantee it won’t get back to your ex or your children in some way.  It is also hard to move forward in a constructive way if you are putting a lot of energy into blaming  your ex. 
• If someone wants to pour fuel on the fire, redirect the conversation. You will hear many versions of “When I got divorced, I took him to the cleaners” or “My neighbor’s lawyer is a shark – do you want the number?” Take this opportunity to let people know that you are trying to keep the divorce civil and private. “Actually, we’ve decided to use Collaborative Divorce/mediation because we want to minimize the impact of our divorce on the kids” or “This isn’t helpful to me. I’m trying to heal and move forward and I don’t want to go down that path.”
• Be proactive. While you can’t completely prevent these questions from coming your way, you can let people know ahead of time that you would like some privacy. “Beth and I are getting divorced. I am hoping you will respect our privacy during this time.” This can help friends and family know your preference. Then, if you want to talk about the divorce in order to feel supported, it can be on your terms.

You may not be able to stop intrusive questions from coming your way, but being thoughtful ahead of time about your responses can help to minimize the awkwardness of the interactions. Hopefully, most people will respect your limits and provide support that feels empathetic, not judgmental.