When parents reach the painful decision to divorce, their first concern – without fail – is how to tell the children. Deciding how to tell your children about divorce will not be easy, but with the right research, preparation, and attitude it can be done in a loving, supportive, and healthy way. To make sure you and your spouse do just that, follow these three steps:
Step 1: Prepare for the conversation
Before you talk to your kids, find a quiet time to sit down with your spouse and plan for the conversation. You both want to be fully prepared for what’s to come, and most importantly, you want to present a strong, comforting, and united front.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
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- Don’t talk to your kids until you’re 100% sure you’re getting a divorce. If there’s a small chance you may stay in your marriage, hold off until you’re both certain divorce is the only option.
- Agree that you’ll only provide age-appropriate, helpful information. For example, children don’t need to know about an affair, but they can understand that your feelings have changed.
- Agree to be respectful. Don’t blame, interrupt, or correct each other.
- Brainstorm together the answers to questions you think they might ask.
- Pick a time to have the conversation when you will all be relaxed with no distractions.
Step 2: Be direct, comforting, and loving during the conversation
Understand that telling your kids about your divorce will be an emotional experience. They are likely to cry, get angry, or express strong emotions. Prepare yourself for this, and know that it’s normal. What’s important is that you’re there to make them feel safe in the midst of this scary change.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
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- Be honest and direct with your children. If your kids are older say, “We are getting a divorce.” If your kids are younger, they may need more information like, “We won’t be married anymore and we won’t live together.”
- Reassure your children that you’ll always love and take care of them.
- Address your children’s developmental fears about the divorce. For example, younger children are developmentally egocentric and will think that they caused the divorce, whereas older children will often imagine that they could have prevented it.
- If you have specific information about how life is going to change, share it with them. For example, “We’re going to sell this house and each have an apartment, but you’ll still go to the same school.”
- If you don’t know specifics about how life will change, tell your kids you’ll update them as soon as more details are available.
- Don’t make promises you can’t keep! Don’t promise your kids that they can still go to their private school if there’s a chance that it may be too expensive now that you’re getting a divorce.
- Answer all of their questions as lovingly, honestly, and openly as possible.
Step #3: Support your children after the conversation
No matter how old your children are it will take a while for them to fully acknowledge and understand how their lives will change in the wake of a divorce. In the months following your conversation, watch them closely for signs that they are struggling, and let them know they can ask you questions whenever they have to.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
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- Check in with your kids regularly. As time goes on and the reality of the divorce sinks in, they’ll likely have new questions and concerns. Make sure they know they can come to you.
- Don’t put your kids in the middle! It’s vital to your children’s ability to adjust after the divorce that they have a positive relationship with both of their parents.
- Don’t buy special gifts, allow special privileges, or stop disciplining your children because you feel guilty or want to be the favorite parent.
- Do not make your child your confidant. You are there to support their transition. If you need help, seek support from other adults.
A final note…
Remember that most children will show some emotional or behavioral reaction to their parent’s divorce. This is both normal and healthy. Extra time and support will help them through this transition so be open to providing that support, whether it’s through therapy, private time with you, or a divorce support group.
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