Preschool age children (ages 3-5) tend to be the most vulnerable age group in terms of adjustment to divorce, but there are concrete things parents can do to smooth the transition.. This stage of child development creates challenges that parents need to consider as part of their divorce process. Parents can help their preschoolers navigate this process by understanding how kids think, feel and behave at this stage. With this understanding, parents can develop strategies to support their children and help them thrive.
How Preschoolers Think about Divorce
Developmental Issues:
- Preschoolers don’t understand the concepts of divorce and separation. They believe that loving someone means being with them. When their parents do not live together, they may fear they are no longer loved.
- They will likely harbor fantasies of their parents reuniting.
Parents’ Response:
- Reassure regularly that they will always be loved and the divorce was not their fault
- Consistency helps kids to feel safe, so maintain a predictable, stable routine within and between houses
- Make sure that the child spends lots of time with both parents
- Use visual cues, like a calendar, to help kids understand schedules and times with each parent
How Preschoolers Feel about Divorce
Developmental Issues:
- At this age, a lot of complex feelings are just beginning to emerge (guilt, anger, embarrassment, worry, sadness, loss). Children do not have the ability to fully understand or express these feelings.
- Anger can be expressed outwardly (often toward the parent they blame for leaving) or inwardly (withdrawn, depressed).
- Preschoolers can fear abandonment by the non-custodial parent.
- There can be an increase in fearfulness, even around issues that have nothing to do with the divorce.
Parents’ Response:
- Encourage children to share questions and concerns about separation and divorce and provide honest answers, with age-appropriate information
- Pay special attention to transitions, especially around visit exchanges, as these transitions can stir up a lot of feelings
- Encourage children to express their feelings through art and play and make use of all the excellent books about divorce written for young kids
How Preschooler’s Behave during Divorce
Developmental Issues:
- Parents should expect regressed behavior (sleep issues, toileting accidents, etc.) and renewed separation anxiety (clinging behaviors especially around transitions).
- Some children will act out to express their feelings and others might look more withdrawn and shut down.
Parents’ Response:
- Remain patient during these times, as these behaviors can be very challenging.
- Get support for yourself and remember that these behaviors are normal and usually time-limited.
- Maintain consistency with scheduling and discipline. Each parent needs to be committed to sticking with the routine and using a similar (warm, consistent) style of discipline.
- Work with your ex-spouse to keep the parenting dialogue open and non-blaming.
The preschool years are a time when children have growing language skills and more complex feelings. This is a particularly difficult age for children to handle divorce. Kids require a lot of support from their parents to understand all the changes occurring during the divorce. A good co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse and sensitivity to what your child is going through are the most protective things that you can give your children at this time. By working together to provide the stability and support your preschooler needs, parents can smooth this transition.
