Creating an Atmosphere of Calm after Your Divorce

Going through a divorce is a stressful process and when it’s over, you’ll want to re-establish a sense of peace for yourself and for your family.  It’s easy to stay focused on the anger and the post-divorce struggles. However, with intentional effort, you can shift your focus to creating peace and stability with these tips: 

• Self-care. In almost every blog I write about divorce, I emphasize self-care before anything else, because I truly believe you cannot take care of other people if you don’t take care of yourself first. Get enough rest, eat healthy foods, exercise, have hobbies and utilize your social support network. These things will all help you cope better with the daily stressors and that sets a foundation for peace.

• Validate feelings. Validate your feelings and those of your children. Putting a positive spin on things, or sweeping issues under the rug takes a lot of energy. Instead, acknowledge the anger and sadness that you, or they, are feeling. Pretending to feel different doesn’t usually work; accepting your feelings and expressing them in a healthy way allows you to move through the difficult feelings.

• Be present and future focused. Don’t relive the past by replaying every fight and hurt from the marriage. Don’t punish your ex in every interaction about the children because he or she hurt you. This will keep you stuck in the marriage (and it hurts your kids). Instead, start creating the life you want for yourself.

• Create a mantra or a ritual. Develop a mantra or a ritual that helps you stay grounded when you feel overwhelmed. It can be a deep breathing exercise or saying to yourself, “I can handle this.” or “This will pass”. Find something that soothes you at the moment (other than wine and chocolate!) so that you can get through these feelings without derailing 

These steps are about being proactive, instead of reactive. My goal is for you to be moving towards something (the life you want), not just away from something (the unhappy marriage).  Even though it won’t always be smooth sailing, living the life you want creates an inner peace that is priceless.

Going through a divorce is a stressful process and when it’s over, you’ll want to re-establish a sense of peace for yourself and for your family.  It’s easy to stay focused on the anger and the post-divorce struggles. However, with intentional effort, you can shift your focus to creating peace and stability with these tips: 

• Self-care. In almost every blog I write about divorce, I emphasize self-care before anything else, because I truly believe you cannot take care of other people if you don’t take care of yourself first. Get enough rest, eat healthy foods, exercise, have hobbies and utilize your social support network. These things will all help you cope better with the daily stressors and that sets a foundation for peace.

• Validate feelings. Validate your feelings and those of your children. Putting a positive spin on things, or sweeping issues under the rug takes a lot of energy. Instead, acknowledge the anger and sadness that you, or they, are feeling. Pretending to feel different doesn’t usually work; accepting your feelings and expressing them in a healthy way allows you to move through the difficult feelings.

• Be present and future focused. Don’t relive the past by replaying every fight and hurt from the marriage. Don’t punish your ex in every interaction about the children because he or she hurt you. This will keep you stuck in the marriage (and it hurts your kids). Instead, start creating the life you want for yourself.

• Create a mantra or a ritual. Develop a mantra or a ritual that helps you stay grounded when you feel overwhelmed. It can be a deep breathing exercise or saying to yourself, “I can handle this.” or “This will pass”. Find something that soothes you at the moment (other than wine and chocolate!) so that you can get through these feelings without derailing 

These steps are about being proactive, instead of reactive. My goal is for you to be moving towards something (the life you want), not just away from something (the unhappy marriage).  Even though it won’t always be smooth sailing, living the life you want creates an inner peace that is priceless.